That basically sums up the romantic relationships I had in my twenties. Now when I look back on that time, I realize that was a time in my life when I was really struggling.
During my childhood, the messages given to me by the mother figures around me were that if I wanted to be loved, I had to be lovable.
And if I wasn't loved the right way by a man, it was because I was doing (or not doing the right thing) something that made me hardly likeable.
So I spent most of my relationships striving to be what my boyfriend at the time wanted me to be.
Therefore, I had never allowed myself to be who I really was when I was dating someone.
I spent a lot (too) of time "proving" that I was someone who deserved to be loved. And each time, I ended up completely devastated when I wasn't loved in the right way in return.
Today, I realize that I didn't really know what it meant to love and be loved, and I didn't know the difference between love and emotional attachment.
When you're single, you know what it's like to go through the experience of a breakup, but the resulting feelings of emptiness and loss can reverberate for months after the breakup, or even longer.
Even if we are aware that the relationship was not good for our well-being, or that we are better off without the person in question, we can still feel “hooked” to our ex-partner.
So even when we know that the past relationship did not live up to our expectations, it is possible to have difficulty removing the person in question from our system.
This problem can also arise when ending a much more serious relationship, such as marriage. This means that getting a divorce doesn't necessarily erase your love or attachment for your ex.
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In my experience and my opinion, what makes breaking up really difficult and painful is something that goes beyond love; it is emotional attachment.
What does emotional attachment really mean?
Emotional attachment can mean a lot of things, from emotional affection to physical affixation.
Psychologists have developed many theories about attachment and identify the clinical disorders that result from it.
For our purposes, however, we can define emotional attachment quite simply as: a "strong emotional connection".
It is human nature to get attached and sometimes we even get attached to objects such as cars, houses, money, books, clothes, etc.
We also get attached to routines (for example, washing hands), beliefs (for example, killing is bad), sensations and experiences (for example, the taste of sugar ), activities (for example, work) and people.
In extreme cases, this kind of emotional attachment can sometimes turn into addiction.
How are love and emotional attachment different?
Although love and attachment seem to be quite related, they are completely different.
Without going into some very questionable explanations and theories, I would say that love is a positive feeling towards something or someone, and attachment is an emotional need for something or someone.
The major difference is that love is a feeling directed towards "the other" (another person, place or thing), while attachment is a self-centered feeling based on meeting your need.
"To need" VS "To be in need"
We all have needs and it is very important that our needs are met in our relationships, otherwise we could not be happy in those relationships, right?
But what is the difference between having needs and "being in need"?
The juxtaposition of these two concepts can give us valuable clues on how to create successful relationships.
Here's what comes to mind:
Our needs:
- Are normal, valid, important
- Are present in everyone, including healthy and successful people
- Are necessary to survive and thrive
- The best way to achieve this is to take responsibility and initiative
- Unmet needs prompt action
- Are more effectively met by assertiveness
- Satisfied needs lead to contentment
- The ability to meet one's needs tends to attract others.
To be in need:
- Feeling that comes from hopelessness, helplessness
- Stimulated by emotional deficits
- Externalized problem and solution
- Leads to a position of helplessness / victimhood
- Insatiable, always needing more
- Who pushes others away
Quite a contrast! Needs are present in all of us, and are not a problem or a sign of weakness.
We need to sleep and eat, we need light to see, we need love and relationships.
Our ability to identify and meet our needs determines our level of happiness and success.
However, the urge to be loved tends to be a colander that sits empty no matter how much money you put in it.
In my work, I help women identify their relationship, functional and emotional needs, and I support them so that they can meet these needs in their lives and in their relationships.
Relationship needs are basic needs that, if left unmet, often lead to a relationship ending.
For example, monogamy and having children can be relationship demands for some people.
Needs are events that must happen in order for you to survive and thrive.
Functional needs are the events you need in order for your life and relationship to function optimally, such as earning money to pay bills, participating in household chores and raising children, etc.
Emotional needs are what you need to feel loved, such as your partner calling you if they are late, hugging you, etc.
It often happens that someone turns to me because they have a hard time identifying their emotional or relationship needs, which they may interpret as a sign of weakness, knowing that we are supposed to take responsibility for our own things on our own. needs without relying on our partner to satisfy them.
Although I agree that you have to know how to meet your needs on your own, the point is that we still need a partner who is able to meet them.
Besides, the relationship can fail outright if there is not enough alignment or compatibility to meet the needs of the other and / or the demands of the relationship.
And so, if it is very difficult to let go of a relationship that does not suit us (in which our needs and demands are not met), there is a good chance that our desire to "hang on" to it. this relationship is less linked to love than to our fears, our loneliness, even our desperation to satisfy our emotional needs.
What to do about emotional attachment?
All of this does not mean that we shouldn't have needs in a relationship or that it is abnormal to want to meet our needs.
The difference between rational needs and those related to our attachment is that when we are just attached to the other, we often hold the other person responsible for meeting our needs, instead of taking responsibility for it. ourselves this responsibility.
We thus give up our creative power, our ingenuity. And that's why it's so hard to let go. We expect from our partner, at a certain level, that he / she completes our shortcomings.
Letting go of emotional attachment
The first step in letting go of an attachment is to distinguish between love and emotional attachment:
- Understand the difference (for example, attachment is based on a self-centered need and is not the same as love).
- Understand the implications (e.g. attachment is related to “me” and “my” needs).
- Understand the consequences (for example, if I continue to pursue a relationship that is not working, I risk failure).
- Recognize and honor the needs that drive you to pursue a non-working attachment by finding ways to productively meet your needs. It's hard to let go if that means falling into a pit of pain and emptiness.
- Get the support you need to move forward and continue to engage in activities and with people who are productive for you. A coach and / or support group is ideal for this.
For example, if you are dating a separated and divorced man and want to have a normal social life with him, for example meet him and go out with him and his friends in public, but he is reluctant to do so because he worries about what her ex might be doing, this can frustrate you.
If this situation really frustrates you and you feel it as a breaking point, you may need your partner to be available to date you and be able to date you out in the open.
It is very important to be able to recognize our own needs, our desires and our relationship demands, because this awareness can help us know if we are happy in a relationship.
However, you should know that having needs (like everyone else) is not necessarily synonymous with "being in need".
To be in need would be to try to hold someone else responsible for meeting that need, even if it is not their job to satisfy it.
On the other hand, being in the non-attachment and consciously making room for the kind of love and relationship you really want could be to recognize that your needs may not be being met in that relationship / situation and that you may be happier in another relationship.
Non-attachment emanates from a feeling of wholeness and inner ingenuity, while attachment arises from a feeling of lack.
So, if you find yourself in a state of attachment or on the verge of emotional attachment, become aware of how you are feeling and the thoughts that come to you… What is this need that so longs to be satisfied?
Even when you're in a serious relationship, it's normal sometimes to wonder if you've found true love.
After all, even if you have feelings of intense affection and adoration towards your partner, how do you know if these feelings qualify as true love?
Luckily, there are eight key metrics that can help you determine if what you are getting is real love, or if it's just too good to be true.
